Continued Connections: The Importance Of Intimacy

If you’re like most red-blooded Americans, you probably have a hard time approaching sexual issues from a rational perspective. Talking instead of doing is uncomfortable and just plain awkward.

And even though you and your partner have plenty of firsthand experience, it’s still hard to separate your sex life from the hyped-up images and unrealistic situations with which you’re constantly bombarded on TV, online, and in everyday conversations.

In its own way, this can damage the continued intimacy that’s so important for you and your partner to share.

While the media wants us to believe that our perfect lovers will automatically know how to please us, this just isn’t true. Not for men, not for women.

To help keep your passion burning for the long haul, try these simple steps.

1. Remember How It Started

Although you’d never admit it to your partner, it’s perfectly natural for folks in long-term relationships to forget key details about how their romance began.

If you’re like most couples, you probably met at work, school, or some shared public space and used that initial physical connection to build an intellectual relationship. If you met on a dating site, you skipped part one and went straight to part two.

At some point, your relationship became physical, and that experience probably deepened the love that was already growing between you.

Remember how the first few intimate times felt: were they exciting, unexpected, full of new and unfamiliar emotions?

The key to rekindling a romance is remembering how things were in the beginning and finding creative ways to recreate those feelings.

Trying to remember whether you sipped red or white wine, or how the air smelled that night may not result in accurate memories, but the attempt may deliver those same magical feelings.

So break out the wine, put on his favorite dress, head to the beach at sunset, whatever elements you think may have been present when you’ve been intimate in the past, now’s the time to use that memory.

By the same token, however, new situations can also create intimacy. Sharing and experiencing things together for the first time is another way to continue to build the bond you share with your partner, and what is intimacy but a special bond?

2. Communicate

Communication is a key early step. And I don’t just mean between the sheets, although that’s helpful, too.

If you don’t consider yourself a lothario—and most people don’t–talking about what you want in bed will no doubt be awkward at first.

Take comfort in the fact that a gentle bond exists between lovers that neither partner wants to violate. It’s just hard to get the ball rolling.

Start with baby steps. Perhaps praising your partner when you like something they’re doing or encouraging more of the same. And be responsive and supportive when your partner does the same. “You like that? Well, I like doing it for you.”

It’s also very important to talk about each other’s sexual expectations, including potentially uncomfortable topics like how often to have sex, what acts and fantasies are off-limits, what acts and fantasies might be fun, and what stands in the way of your renewed passion.

If neither of you knows where the other stands, attempts at rekindling the fire will be little more than shots in the dark.

3. Prioritize

Fortunately or unfortunately, you’re not in high school or college anymore, and sex is no longer the spontaneous activity it used to be.

While it may be a little crass to pencil intimacy sessions into your work calendar, it’s a fact of life that busy modern couples have trouble making time for the playful side of life.

Talk to your partner and agree on a sexual schedule that you can both keep, but keep expectations realistic. One of you may have had a truly rotten day or is suffering from a terrible headache.

When those situations arise, don’t abandon your plans, just adjust them. The key is to spend quiet, private time together. Headaches and awful bosses tend to disappear in that kind of environment.

One super stressed out professional couple I knew always began their alone-time with a massage, alternating nights as the massage professional.

They had one of the strongest bonds I’ve ever seen and frankly, given their schedules and their personalities, it seemed against all odds.

4. Reciprocate

It’s often said that healthy sex begets healthy relationships, but what exactly is healthy sex? In sum, it involves treating your partner with the care and tenderness they deserve both in the bedroom and outside of it.

Establish firm sexual boundaries if you wish, but make sure to accommodate your partner’s wishes when they fall within them.

Most importantly, don’t just focus on one end of the spectrum; there is room for at least a little fantasy in every relationship.

Of course, you’ll want to spend time snuggling, laying together or just plain talking in bed after an intimate moment. These experiences trigger the release of mood-lifting neurochemicals that bring couples closer together.

Fading intimacy is a major killer of long-term relationships.

Whether the “spark” that initially brought you and your partner together has been lost, do justice to the love you shared with your partner by rebuilding the passion that you felt as a new couple and saving your relationship in the process.